Sheila Broflowski

Mrs. Broflowski: Mr. Garrison, you're a Clan member?
Mr. Garrison: No no, Mr. Hat is.
Mr. Hat: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: You are such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat

Mrs. McKormick: You want some more hot water?
Mrs. Broflovski: Oh, no thank you, it's terrific though. You don't have any tea bags or coffee grounds to go in the hot water do you?
Mrs. McKormick: No, we don't care for any of that hoity-toity rich folk stuff.

Sheila: Just remember what the MPAA says: Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty words!

Scott

Scott: All of these things link Terrance to the murder: hair fibers, blood samples, nail clippings, a piece of his shirt, a watch with his initials on it, a day planner with the murder sceduled, a haiku called "Time to Kill Dr. Jeffrey O'Dwyer."

Saddaam Hussein: You're a journalist, right?
Scott: Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
Saddam Hussein: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott: Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not.

Satan

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddaam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I goiong to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

Satan: Saddaam! You're back. I thought I killed you!
Saddaam: Yeah, well where was I gonna go, Detroit?

Sadaam Hussein

Cartman: Damn, shit, respect my fuckin' authority!
Sadaam Hussein: Ahhh!
Cartman: Yes (zaps him)!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat!
Cartman: Dog shit Taco (Zaps him again)!
Sadaam Hussein: Quick Satan, do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size. Blood-drenched, frozen tampon popsicle!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey buddy, I know I was mean before, but don't worry, I can change!
Cartman: Okay.
Not. Fuck, shit, cock, ass, dildo, boner, bitch, pussy, butthole, Barbara Streisand!

Satan: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
Saddaam Hussein: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who am I goiong to pretend you are, Liza Minelli?

Satan: Saddaam! You're back. I thought I killed you!
Saddaam: Yeah, well where was I gonna go, Detroit?

Saddaam Hussein: You're a journalist, right?
Scott: Yes, I'm a television critic for magazines.
Saddam Hussein: I understand that you hate Terrance and Phillip.
Scott: Yes, yes I do. They think that farts are a sophisticated form of comedy, but they're not.

Pip

Pip: Hello. My name is Phillip, but everyone here calls me Pip because they hate me.
Damien: Then I will call you Pip.

Officer Barbrady

Officer Barbrady: You can't just lock 63 people in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Kyle: Officer, is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.

Officer Barbrady: It says, 'Sorry I had sex with the chicken, I won't do it again.'

Barbara Streisand: Do you have any idea who I am?
Officer Barbrady: Well, you ain't Fiona Apple, and if you ain't Fiona Apple I don't give a rat's ass.

Officer Barbrady: I need to make poopy.
Mr. Garrison: You need to wait until after class to do that.
Officer Barbrady: How do you kids do it?!

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, pretend for just a minute that we had a competent law officer in our town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: That's a good question, ma'am. Let me get right on that ... with thinking.

Officer Barbrady: Hey, I just thought of something. No, wait, that's subtraction.

Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside-out all the time.

Officer Barbrady: Keep your eyes peeled, boys. Someone's going to make love to this chicken any second now.

Nurse Gollum

Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on her head you're not being very open-minded.

Mrs. Marsh - Stan's Mom

Mrs. Marsh: Stan, what did I tell you about watching the Osbournes? It's going to make you retarded.

Mr. Slave - Garrison's teaching assistant

Mr. Garrison: Hey, Mr. Slave. I had a dream last night that you were being a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.

Mr. Slave: Ow! I should have never shoved all those poor animals up my ass!

Mrs Crabtree - The hideous bus driver

Stan: Aah, we're always running late you ugly skank.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I can't wait to own a fishing tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, neither can I.

Stan: We can't get off. The dumb bitch won't let us.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said..Rabbits eat lettuce.

Mrs. Cartman- Cartman's slutty mother

Cartman: Mom--Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Other Mom: Can Eric spend the night?
Mrs. Cartman: No, I'm sorry, Eric is grounded for trying to exterminate the Jews last week.

Cartman: Ummm, Mom...
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, honey?
Cartman: Um, can I got to the Special Olympics and beat all the special children?
Mrs. Cartman: No, honey, I believe that is for special children.
Cartman: You mean, I'm not special? I thought you said I was special.

Mrs. Cartman: Doctor, did you find out what's wrong with him?
Doctor: I'm afraid he's running out of time.
Mrs. Cartman: Why, what's wrong with him?
Doctor: It's his time. It's running out.
Mrs. Cartman: What can we do?
Doctor: Well, I suppose we can try a time transplant. I'll have to call a specialist.

Mrs. Cartman: Oh, Chief. I want your hot man chowder.

Mr. Mackey - Guidance Counselor

Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, except me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.

Mr. Macky: Uh, Marajuana's bad.
Street Guy: What?
Mr. Macky: Marajuana makes you feel depressed and low.
Street Guy: And you don't feel that way now?
Mr. Macky: Hmm, good point.

Mr. Garrison: Hey, guess what everybody? I'm gay!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Mr. Garrison: I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
Principal Victoria: You admit it? You admit it!!!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's great, Mr. Garriosn. You've finally come to terms with yourself!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, it feels really good!
Principal Victoria: Well, congratulations!
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, congratulations!
Mr. Garrison: You know, I feel like I can start anew. If it's not alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade.
Principal Victoria: Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.

Nurse Gollum: This is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
Mr. Mackey: Please, nurse, for a woman with a dead fetus on her head you're not being very open-minded.

Mr Hat

Mrs. Broflowski: Mr. Garrison, you're a Clan member?
Mr. Garrison: No no, Mr. Hat is.
Mr. Hat: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: You are such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat

Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!

Mr. Hat: That's right, Mr. Garrison. Christopher Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend. He helped the Indians win their war against Frederick Douglass and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.

Mr Hankey

Mr. Hankey (to Kyle): One time when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.

Mr. Hankey: Hidey Ho

Mayor

Mayor: Officer Barbrady, pretend for just a minute that we had a competent law officer in our town. What would he do?
Officer Barbrady: That's a good question, ma'am. Let me get right on that ... with thinking.

Jimmy – The handikaped guy ( not Timmy).

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that shes a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy (to wendy): Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt....
Wendy: Well tell Stan to F*CK OFF! (walks away)
Jimmy: A continous s-source of inspiration.

Token: How do you know? None of us has ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstasy once. Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having ... sex.
Kyle: Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy: In her va-vagina. Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.

Jimmy: Look, my gang...which i can't talk about because it's super secret--is the most important thing to me now, and if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga' on your left.

Jimmy: Ddddon't be dissin' my niggas dawg.

Timmy: TIMMAH! .... And the Lords of the Underworld!

Jimmy: I'm cool like a fool in a swimming pool.

Kyle's baby brother, the Canadian adoptee.

Kyle: Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the goddamn' baby.

Big Gay Al

Big Gay Al: I'm super, thanks for asking.

Big Gay Al: Oh look! It's a big gaggle of gooses. Hi fellahs!

Big Gay Al: Me, kicked out of Scouts?

Big Gay Al: Ohh, my carrot cake!

Bebe

Bebe: You guys still want to go ice skating after school?
Wendy: Oh no, that's okay, Bebe. You might trip and then we'd be sucked into your huge, gaping vagina like ants into a vacuum cleaner.

Bebe: Mom, what's six times eight?
Bebe's Mom: Oh, Sweetie. Those are two completely different numbers.

Bebe: You guys are such assholes!
Butters: At least we have assholes, you dumb girl.
Bebe: God, you're so stupid!