Mr. Garrison

Mr. Garrison: I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Cartman: Shut up - you fucking jew!!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the 'f word?'
Cartman: Jew??

Mr. Garrison: Let's start the day with a few new math problems -- what is five times two? Yes. Clyde?
Clyde: Twelve.
Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now let's try and get an answer from somebody who is not a complete retard.

Mr. Garrison: No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry. There are no stupid answers, just stupid people.

Uncle Jimbo: These shoes don't say I pound butt.
Mr. Garrison: No, those shoes say you take it in the butt.

Mr. Garrison: Recently I came out and admitted I was a homosexual so now I can say the word "fag". On television, they usually don't allow "fag," but since I'm gay, it's okay. And with the new approval of the word "shit," I can now say: "Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do? Hey there, shitty shitty fag fag, shitty shitty fag fag, how do you do?"

Mr. Garrison: Okay, children. Let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first, Bebe. That's good. Just use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.

Mr. Garrison: Okay. Now, let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard...anyone?

Mrs. Broflowski: Mr. Garrison, you're a Clan member?
Mr. Garrison: No no, Mr. Hat is.
Mr. Hat: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: You are such a racist bastard, Mr. Hat

Mr. Mackey: Now Eric, all these people came here and paid to send you to camp because they care about you.
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, except me. I just wanted to see the look on your face when they told you.

Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!

Mr. Garrison: Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL. Evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather--a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains; which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?

Mr. Garrison: Hey, guess what everybody? I'm gay!
Principal Victoria: Mr. Garrison?
Mr. Mackey: What?
Mr. Garrison: I'm as gay as a gymnast on shore leave!
Principal Victoria: You admit it? You admit it!!!
Mr. Mackey: Oh, that's great, Mr. Garriosn. You've finally come to terms with yourself!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, it feels really good!
Principal Victoria: Well, congratulations!
Mr. Mackey: Yeah, congratulations!
Mr. Garrison: You know, I feel like I can start anew. If it's not alright with you, I'd like to go back to teaching the third grade.
Principal Victoria: Oh. I'm sorry, we don't hire gay people.

Mr. Garrison: And the award for worst costume this year goes to ... Stan, for his stupid little clown-thing costume. Let's all point at Stan and laugh, children!

Chef: You're gay though, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Garrison: What, I'm not gay. I act this way to get chicks, dumbass.

Mr. Garrison: Let's all clear the air. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon.

Mr. Garrison: And, so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a police officer. Now, are there any questions? Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrision: Good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chickenherpes.

Mr. Garrison: Hey, Mr. Slave. I had a dream last night that you were being a real dick.
Mr. Slave: Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?
Mr. Garrison: No, no. I was the asshole.

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I'll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That's okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that's fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn't. It makes you very sad.

Mr. Garrison: Well, well, well. Guess we learned something new about you Jimbo, ya frickin' fag. You wanna go and make out or something?

Mr. Garrison: A haiku is just like a normal American poem except it doesn't rhyme and it's totally stupid.

Officer Barbrady: I need to make poopy.
Mr. Garrison: You need to wait until after class to do that.
Officer Barbrady: How do you kids do it?!

Mr. Garrison: A ladder to heaven, that's fucking stupid.

Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.

Mr.Garrison: And that, Children ... is what you need to know about the facts of life. So lets review, Tootie left in the 4th season, but Blair & Jo stayed on and got husbands leaving the 5th & 6th seasons hideously stagnant.