Kyle Broflowski

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!

Teacher: Kyle, concentrate!!!
Cartman: Maybe he should be sent to a concentration camp.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, 'God damn, that's a big, fat ass.'
Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass.

Chef: Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Cartman: Dude, I'd be scared too. Your mom's a fucking bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch - you fat fuck.
Cartman: Don't call me fat you butt-fucking son of a bitch

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: Hey! I'm taking my pig and ... screw you guys, I'm going home. This whole idea's stupid anyway.
Kyle: What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a D.
Cartman: Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?
Kyle: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!
Cartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!

Kyle: Stan, I thought those Afghan kids got you to hate America.
Stan: No, I Iearned something today, and it's that America is our home team, and if you don't want to root for the home team then get the hell out of the stadium.

Stan: Holy crap. Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's pond after school today.
Klye: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny laughs.]

Cartman: I was just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin' it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

Museum of Tolerance Lady: You other boys have probably called this young man names like 'tubby' or 'lard-butt' or 'fat tits.'
Kyle: Fat tits, that's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

Token: How do you know? None of us has ever had any drugs before.
Jimmy: Well, I did Ecstasy once. Me and my girlfriend took it and we stayed up all night having ... sex.
Kyle: Where did you have sex with her?
Jimmy: In her va-vagina. Thank you, thank you. What a terrific audience.

Kyle: Kick the baby!
Ike: Don't kick the goddamn' baby.

Stan: The theatre they play the movies in really sucks.
Kyle: We could project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan: Those movies would have to be IMAX.

Kyle: We're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Uncle Jimbo: Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hardcore porn and he'll snap right out if it.

Kyle: OhmiGod! They killed Kenny. You bastards!

Kyle: You got the best balls in the world Chef.
Chef: Damn straight.

Kyle: Officer, is it illegal for Jewish people to eat Christmas snow?
Officer Barbrady: Yes.

Kyle: Hey, Mole! Be careful.
Mole: Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while still in the womb?
Stan: Man, that kid is fucked up!

Kyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about 50 pounds, fast.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan: Marry him?
Chef: It definitely worked for every woman I've ever met.

Mr. Garrison: And, so, children, that's how you tell a prostitute from a police officer. Now, are there any questions? Yes, Kyle?
Kyle: What the hell does that have to do with American history?
Mr. Garrision: Good question, Kyle. Are there any other questions?
Kyle: Mr. Garrison, I'm the only one here. Everyone else has chickenherpes.

Kyle: Chef, where dose shit come from?
Chef: Uh, from your ass children.
Kyle: No, no, no! The WORD shit!

Kyle: I just want an erection so I can give it to my mum.

Stan (about Bob Saget): This guy sucks!
Kyle: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.

Kyle: Oh my god! I killed Kenny! I'm a bastard!

Kyle: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn' Canandian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Mr. Garrison: Say 'hi' to Sexual Harassment Panda!
The Class: Hi, Sexual Harassment Panda.
Sexual Harassment Panda: Did you know that when one little panda pulls on another little panda's underwear, that's sexual harassment? That makes me a sa-a-a-a-ad panda.
Kyle: This is freaking me out, dude.
Sexual Harassment Panda: And when one little panda puts his furry little willy in another panda's ear, that makes me a very sad panda. Now, I'm going to pass out these booklets, and we're going to go through each and every sexual harassment law.
The Class: Awwww

Kyle: Go live in a third-world country for once!
Goth Kid: I won't live in a third-world country with all the comformists.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Kyle: Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money's involved, stupid.

Kyle: Michael Bay gets to keep making movies and Cartman gets his own theme park; there is no God.

Kyle: How do we get to Ottawa?
Canadian: We're in Canada! There's only one road!
By the way, watch out for Scott, he's a dick!

Stan: OhmiGod. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

Stan: You mean there's actually people who dedicate their life to sticking their hands up somebody's ass?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

Cartman: Dude, Cartman, look! Your mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!

Priest: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.

Stan: We want to commit our friend, Kyle, please.
Nurse: Reason?
Kyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecal-feliac on prozac.

Stan: Search for the word 'clitoris.'
Kyle: Okay, hang on. 1,830,000 pages found with the word clitoris.