Stan Marsh

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson's time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I'd like to see you try. I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Chef: Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?

Stan: Jimmy, can you tell Wendy that shes a continous source of inspiration?
Jimmy (to wendy): Stan says that your a cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt....
Wendy: Well tell Stan to F*CK OFF! (walks away)
Jimmy: A continous s-source of inspiration.

John Edwards: But, I'm a psychic.
Stan: No, dude. You're a douche.
John Edwards: I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?
Stan: Then, you're a stupid douche.

Stan: Hey, do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Cartman: What is that like finding Jesus or something?

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Chef: Hello there, children.
Stan: Chef! What would a priest want to stick up my butt?
Chef: Goodbye.

Stan: What does 'fingerbang' mean, anyway?
Cartman: I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you pretend to use your finger like it's a gun or something.
Kenny: [Mumbles]
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny: [Mumbles]
Cartman: Ugh. That's sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Stan: Aah, we're always running late you ugly skank.
Mrs. Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I can't wait to own a fishing tank.
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh, neither can I.

Tweek: But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Kyle: Stan, I thought those Afghan kids got you to hate America.
Stan: No, I Iearned something today, and it's that America is our home team, and if you don't want to root for the home team then get the hell out of the stadium.

Cartman: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard--the milk came out of my nose.
Stan: Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman: Not with me, man.

Stan: Holy crap. Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's pond after school today.
Klye: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny laughs.]

Museum of Tolerance Lady: You other boys have probably called this young man names like 'tubby' or 'lard-butt' or 'fat tits.'
Kyle: Fat tits, that's a good one.
Stan: Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

Mr. Hat: I'm your friend, Mr. Hat, Stan. You can tell me anything. Now, who hits you? Is it your father or your mother?
Stan: Well, neither one. It's my sister.
Mr. Garrison: Your sister? For God's sake, quit being such a little wuss! Stop wasting Mr. Hat's time with pansy, little fu-fu problems. And give me back my cocoa!

Stan: The theatre they play the movies in really sucks.
Kyle: We could project the movies on Cartman's ass.
Stan: Those movies would have to be IMAX.

Butters: Uhhh-uhh... I ain't suppose to tell you that, if I told you that, well I'd be a no-good Yankee son of a bitch.
Stan: We'll give you ten bucks.
Butters: Oh, ok.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't wnat to shoot anything.

Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Stan: Haha Cartman ... You're a fatass AND your Mom's a He-She.

Stan: One day you're gonna have to stop running and deal with what happened. Otherwise, you might as well just move to France with all the other pussies.

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Kyle: Chef, we need Butters to gain about 50 pounds, fast.
Chef: Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.
Stan: Marry him?
Chef: It definitely worked for every woman I've ever met.

Stan (about Bob Saget): This guy sucks!
Kyle: Yeah. He's almost as bad as that guy on Full House.

Kyle: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn' Canandian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I'll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That's okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that's fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn't. It makes you very sad.

Stan: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman: What? tell us!
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of 'Boy Meets Boy' on television, right, and then 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy' comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.

Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Stan: We can't get off. The dumb bitch won't let us.
Mrs Crabtree: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Stan: I said..Rabbits eat lettuce.

Goth Kid: I'm so non-conformist, I'm not conforming with you guys. I'm in.
Stan: Great.
Goth Girl: Wow, he put us in our place.
Other Goth Kid: Yeah, we just got goth-served.

Cartmen: God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan: how?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I'm not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Stan: Jesus, what happens if someone really wants to die and you kill him?
Jesus: I'm not touching that with a sixty foot pole.
Stan: Goddammit!
Jesus: I heard that.

Stan: OhmiGod. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny!
Kyle: You bastard!
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.

Stan: Asian culture has plagued the world for years. We must end it.

Stan: How can I get a woman to like me more than another guy?
Chef: Simple, Stan. Just find the clitoris.
Stan: What?
Chef: Hang on, what did I just say?
Stan: What's a clitoris?
Chef: Nothing, nothing. Forget I said it.

Stan: You mean there's actually people who dedicate their life to sticking their hands up somebody's ass?
Chef: That's right.
Kyle: What a dick.

Wise Man: You must find the answer yourself by taking an inward journey.
Stan: An inward journey? That sounds kind of gay.

Stan: We want to commit our friend, Kyle, please.
Nurse: Reason?
Kyle: I'm a clinically depressed fecal-feliac on prozac.

Stan: Search for the word 'clitoris.'
Kyle: Okay, hang on. 1,830,000 pages found with the word clitoris.

Stan: But it was right here!
Cartman: Stan, lay off the cough syrup dude, I'm worried about you man.

Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?

Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.

Stan: Wow! Cartoons are really getting dirty.

Alien Secretary: Where are you visiting from?
Stan: Uh, Earth.
Alien: Ooh! I watch that show all the time!