Eric Cartman

Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you just say?!
Cartman: Oh, I'm sorry (Clears throat and pulls out megaphone), actually what I said was, "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"

Jewish Kid: Is anyone else having problems concentrating on this? I just can't seem to concentrate.
Cartman: Maybe we should send you to a concentration camp.

Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried something, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

Mr. Garrison: Does anyone know what sexual harassment means?
Cartman: When you are tying to have intercourse with a special lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.

Kyle: Wow! That's a lot of seamen, Cartman.
Cartman: Yeah, I bought all that I could at this bank, and then I got the rest from this guy Ralph in an alley.
Stan: That's cool.
Cartman: Yeah, and the sweet thing is, the stupid asshole didn't even charge me money for it. He just made me close my eyes and suck on a hose.

Cartman: Respect My Authority!

Cartman: It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.

Cartman: Maury, I am out of control. Yeah, I use drugs. I can do what I waunt, biatch! Yeah, I have sex, and I don't use protection! It's my hot body; I'll do what I waunt! I don't go to school and I kill people! What-evah! I'll do what I waunt!

Cartman: You so much at TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.

Cartman: You seem a little irritable, Kyle. You got some sand in your vagina?
Kyle: There's no sand in my vagina!

Cartman: How 'bout we sing, 'Kyle's Mom is a stupid bitch' in D Minor.

Cartman: Okay, Token, give me a sweet bass line.
Token: I don't know how to play the bass.
Cartman: Token, how many times do we have to go over this? You're black. You can play the bass.
Token: I'm really tired of your racist views on this.
Cartman: Well then, get tired of them after you give me a bass line!
Token: (Plays the bass expertly) Oh, Goddammit.

Cartman: If some girl tried to kick my ass, I'd be like, 'Hey. Why don't you stop ... dressing me like a mailman ... uh, and making me dance for you ... while you go and ... smoke crack in your bedroom ... and have sex with ... some guy ... I don't even know. On my dad's bed.
Stan: Cartman, what the hell are you talking about?
Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.

Cartman (singing): I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus. I want to feel his salvation all over my face.

Cartman: Hippies.They're everywhere. They wanna save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad.

Cartman: Damn, shit, respect my fuckin' authority!
Sadaam Hussein: Ahhh!
Cartman: Yes (zaps him)!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat!
Cartman: Dog shit Taco (Zaps him again)!
Sadaam Hussein: Quick Satan, do something!
Cartman: Try this on for size. Blood-drenched, frozen tampon popsicle!
Sadaam Hussein: Hey buddy, I know I was mean before, but don't worry, I can change!
Cartman: Okay.
Not. Fuck, shit, cock, ass, dildo, boner, bitch, pussy, butthole, Barbara Streisand!

Mr. Garrison: Who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60's?
Cartman: A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods.
Mr. Garrison: Right. But who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

Cartman: Shut up - you fucking jew!!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the 'f word?'
Cartman: Jew??

Chief Running Water: Your mother is what we Indians call, 'Bear With Wide Canyon.'
Cartman: What do you mean?
CRW: She is 'Doe Who Cannot Keep Legs Together.'
Cartman: Huh?
CRW: Your mom's a slut.

Cartman: Handle it? For two billion dollars I could handle my Grandpa's balls dude.

Cartman: Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.

Cartman: Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass?

Stan: The note (from Wendy) says to meet her at Stark's Pond after school.
Kyle: Whoa, maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip a little tongue.
Kenny: [mumbles] Or slide a finger up her pussy.
Kyle: I didn't know she had a cat.

Cartman: Well, I looked in my mom's closet and saw what I was getting for Christmas, an UltraVibe Pleasure 2000.

Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.

Cartman: Mom--Kitty is being a dildo.
Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: Well, I've been lickin' this carpet for 3 whole hours and I don't feel like a lesbian.

Cartman: Now stop wasting Mel Gibson's time, you little pussy prick.
Stan: Don't take that tone with me, kid. I'll kick your ass.
Cartman: Yah. Well, I'd like to see you try. I'm, like, 6 feet tall.
Stan: Yah. Well, you sound like a little bitch to me.
Cartman: Bitch! Don't call me bitch, bitch!
Stan: Bring it on then, bitch!
Cartman: I already brung it, bitch. I brung it, opened it, and set it on the table, bitch.

Kyle: Cartman, you have such a fat ass, that when people walk down the street they go, 'God damn, that's a big, fat ass.'
Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling.
Passing Man: God damn, that's a big fat ass.

Cartman: Shut up Kyle! Shut your Goddamn' Jew mouth! You're the reason that there's war in the Middle East.

Officer Barbrady: You can't just lock 63 people in your basement.
Cartman: They're not people, they're hippies!

Chef: Children, uh, what's the one thing that's more sacred to a man than anything else in the world?
Stan: Uh, bicycles?
Cartman: Ham?
Kyle: No, not ham, you fat fuck!
Cartman: Screw you! It's ham, isn't it?

Cartman: You know the feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass?

Cartman: Kyle, I swear to God, if I didn't have a guy's hand up my butt right now, I would leap across the room and kick you in the nuts.

Cartman: The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. He misses! Proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!
Kyle: Shut up Cartman! Your body is bigger than the goal!
Cartman: No, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Cartman: I used to think disabled people were here for my amusement.

Stan: Hey, do you know where I can find the clitoris?
Cartman: What is that like finding Jesus or something?

Cartman: I've learned something, too: selling out is sweet because when you sell out, you get to make a lot of money, and when you have money, you don't have to hang out with a bunch of poor asses like you guys. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Cartman: M'am, I'm here to check your house for parasites ... apparently, you have hippies.

Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welafare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: Fuck you.

Cartman: Dude, I'd be scared too. Your mom's a fucking bitch.
Kyle: Don't call my mom a bitch - you fat fuck.
Cartman: Don't call me fat you butt-fucking son of a bitch

Cartman: I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents, I made you eat your parents. *licking on kid's face* Oh, your tear's are so sweet. Oh, yes. Let me taste them. Such sweet pain.

Cartman: Only three more hours, sea people. Only three more hours and you can take me away from this crappy goddamn planet full of hippies.

Cartman: Alright. Look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us doesn't believe in it enough.
Kyle: Huh?
Cartman: Heaven could be like the pixie fairies of Bubblegum Forest. You only see them if you really believe in them.
Stan: What?
Cartman: You know, maybe we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.
Kyle: What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman: It's an Afghanistan goat, so it can't stay here, or else it'll choke on the sweet air of freedom.

Cartman: You have rats in your house, too, Kenny?
Kenny: Mm-hm.
Cartman: Seriously, you better stop being so poor or else I'm gonna start huckin' rocks at you.

Cartman: Hey! I'm taking my pig and ... screw you guys, I'm going home. This whole idea's stupid anyway.
Kyle: What the hell would you know you fat sweaty Mongoloid, you never get higher than a D.
Cartman: Hey! Why don't you go back to San Francisco with the rest of the Jews?
Kyle: There's no Jews in San Francisco, you retard!
Cartman: I'll kick you in the nuts!

Stan: What does 'fingerbang' mean, anyway?
Cartman: I saw it on HBO. I think it's when you pretend to use your finger like it's a gun or something.
Kenny: [Mumbles]
Stan: Kenny says that's not what it means.
Cartman: All right. Kenny. What does it mean?
Kenny: [Mumbles]
Cartman: Ugh. That's sick. Why the hell would anyone want to do that?

Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm festivally plump!

Choir Teacher: Well, that about does it. If you have any questions, I'll leave information packets up front.
Cartman: Oh that's good, we need some more toilet paper.

Cartman: Oh, oh, Jesus. I was laughing so hard--the milk came out of my nose.
Stan: Dude, you weren't drinking any milk.
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: You have to be drinking milk for that to happen.
Cartman: Not with me, man.

Cartman: I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!

Stan: Holy crap. Wendy wants to meet me at Stark's pond after school today.
Klye: Wow. Maybe you can kiss her.
Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.
Kenny: [Mumbling]
Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?
[Kenny laughs.]

Cartman: The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmet and he spits in your eye.

Cartman: I was just layin' down some rhymes, with the G-folk, you know, kickin' it on the west siy-eede.
Kyle: You live on the EAST side, Cartman.

Kindergartener #1: This looks too tough. We're going to play Harry Potter with the other kids.
Kindergartener #2: Me too.
Cartman: Fine. Go on and play 'Harry Butthole Pussy Potter.'

Cartman: Okay, that does it! Why has everything today involved things either going in or coming out of my ass!?

Cartman: See, this is what we call an all-you-can-eat buffet. Here you can eat all you want for just $6.99. That's why everyone comes here on Tuesday nights, except for Kenny's family because for them, $6.99 is two year's income.

Cartman: Ummm, Mom...
Mrs. Cartman: Yes, honey?
Cartman: Um, can I got to the Special Olympics and beat all the special children?
Mrs. Cartman: No, honey, I believe that is for special children.
Cartman: You mean, I'm not special? I thought you said I was special.

Stan: I don't want to shoot the bunny.
Uncle Jimbo: No nephew of mine is going to be a tree hugger.
Cartman: Yeah, hippie. Go back to Woodstock if you don't wnat to shoot anything.

Cartman: I'm not fat. I'm big-boned.
Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big, fat ass.

Cartman: Attention shoppers! Outside today, we have a cripple fight. Cripple fight, outside!

Cartman: In the Ghetto! On a cold and gray Chicago morn, another baby child is born in the ghetto. In the ghetto!

Cartman: That movie has warped my fragile little mind.

Cartman: Speaking of pounding ass, here come's Stan's little homo dog.

Cartman: Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

Cartman (singing): Whenever I see Jesus up on that cross/I can't help but think that he looks kinda' hot.

Cartman: This is killing me. The human body was not meant to move quickly like that.

Mr. Garrison: Congratulations, Eric, on writing the award-winning paper.
Cartman: Kick ass.
Stan: That's impossible. Cartman doesn't know a rainforest from a Pot-Tart.
Cartman: Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.

Cartman: Sticks and stones may break my bones but I'm Jesus.

Cartman: Well, Kyle, appreciate you being so open with me about this, but as we know, you have a warped perception of reality because you're jewish.

Cartman: What did you call me?
Stan: An ass-sucker. You suck ass. You see an ass and you suck it. You're an ass-sucker.

Cartman (As Native American): The white man has mocked my people long enough! You keep you goddamn mouth shut!!!

Cartman: I don't hate black people. I hate hippies.

Cartman: Excuse me, but I do believe that sucks ass.

Kyle: [The boys are confronted by Afghan soldiers.] Uh, greetings from Canada. Well boys, it's 'aboot' time we get back to our 'hoose' in Canada, isn't it?
Cartman: Hey, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not a Goddamn' Canandian and neither are you.
Stan: Cartman, you stupid asshole.

Cartman: Dude, that is not cool! Chopping off wee-wee's is not cool!

Mr. Garrison: Settle down, children. I have some difficult news. This is going to make you all very sad. The school board is considering firing me as your teacher. There's a possibility that I'll be let go and never allowed to teach you again. Yes, Stanley?
Stan: That's okay with us.
Cartman: Yeah.
Stan: Yeah, that's fine.
Mr. Garrison: No, it isn't. It makes you very sad.

Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.

Cartman: Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job or Kenny's dad would be a millionare!

Stan: OmiGod, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me last night!
Cartman: What? tell us!
Stan: So, I'm watching the season premiere of 'Boy Meets Boy' on television, right, and then 'Queer Eye For the Straight Guy' comes on! So I fall asleep in front of the TV and when I wake up, I see that I've spilled the Coke I was drinking, ALL over my satin pajama top.
Cartman: OmiGod! Are you serious? That was the cutest top ever!
Stan: I know!
(Kenny mumbles)
Stan: Oh, tell me about it Ken Doll.

Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.

Carman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like right about the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it.

Kevin: My waffle's done! My waffle's done!
Mrs. McCormick: Now, Kevin, we ain't got enough for everybody. You have to split that with your brother.
Cartman: Oh, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Stan: You can't just show up to a Civil War re-enactment dressed up like General Lee, FatAss.
Cartman: Oh really? I'm pretty sure I just did.

Cartman: Think about it - it's the easiest, crappiest music in the world, right? If we just sing about how much we love Jesus, all the Christians will buy our crap."

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor that yesterday they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Poor people tend to live in clusters.

Cartman: You guys are hella stupid.
Stan: Why do you keep saying 'hella", Cartman?
Cartman: 'Cuz I'm hella cool, that's why.

Cartman: I've been keeping this place free of hippies since I was five and a half.

Cartman: Yeah! I want Cheesy Poofs!

Cartman: Speilberg - Jew ... Lucas - Jew ... Kyle - Jew.

Cartman: Butters will give handjobs in the corner for a dollar.
Butters: Sure, I'm good at all sorts of jobs.

Kyle: Does anybody know anything about corporations?
Cartman: I think my mom is a corporation.
Stan (sarcastically): Yeah, that makes sense.

Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.

Cartman: Anyway Kenny, Yellow MegaMan is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments for a year or two.

Kyle: Wait, isn't there some rule about not getting into cars with strangers?
Cartman: No, not when money's involved, stupid.

Cartman: French people piss me off.

Cartman: All I have to do is make people believe I'm handicapped and I get one thousand dollars. It's not going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is.

Cartman: I got my period.

Cartmen: God has told me how to make 10 million dollars!
Stan: how?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: Boy band?
Cartman: Boy band.
Stan: I'm not being part of any faggy boy band.
Cartman: Theres nothing faggy about 10 million dollars, asshole.

Butters: We're not Christian, we just pretended to be.
Cartman: Remind me to cut your balls off when we get back.

Cartman: So, I am to understand that there will be no side dishes tonight?

Cartman: Okay, old people need to be quiet now.

Cartman: Kyle, you're being a Negative Nancy.

Cartman: We're never gonna' get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!

Cartman: Am I to understand we will not be enjoying any side dishes with our frozen waffles?

Cartman: Ma'am, we're having a Dude moment here if you don't mind.

Cartman: What kind of side dishes will we be enjoying this evening with our frozen waffles?

Stan: But it was right here!
Cartman: Stan, lay off the cough syrup dude, I'm worried about you man.

Cartman: Conscientious? What the fuck does that mean?

Cartman: Oh, this is a democratic boy band, is it?

New York Kids: We just want to let you know we think you're pretty cool after all.
Cartman: Yeah, that's alright - just remember we're pretty cool on the West side too, alright.